You tend to find yourself dealing with lots of drama and toxic situations. You may wonder, why is it so hard to have a peaceful connection? What’s the reason for all the emotional pain, angry outbursts, and severe anxiety? You see others having beautiful loving relationships that are drama free and you are confused by your continual cycle of drama. Drama in relationships can include disrespectful behavior such as demeaning comments and name-calling, lying, cheating, refusing to communicate and being rude and obnoxious. When the drama is really toxic, the relationship will encounter more arguing or sometimes cease to communicate completely.
Having a drama-filled toxic relationship is not what you desire. You want peace of mind, love, emotional safety, and healthy happy relationships. However, it seems almost impossible to have when you are wrapped up in the drama triangle. The first step to ending the drama in your relationship is to let go of the belief mindset that, “bad things always happen to me, I often attract toxic relationships and I’m a magnet to drama.” This mindset creates a habit of expecting unfortunate situations in your life. It’s easy to develop a habit of pitying yourself when you deal with a pattern of negative beliefs about your life. The following are three reasons why you deal with drama in your relationships.
#1 You are in a drama triangle.
You are in a drama triangle. It's important to get clear of the details of the drama triangle, which was created by Stephan B. Karpman in 1968. The three main roles in a drama triangle relationship are:
The Victim
The Rescuer
The Blamer/Bully
The victim role is often taken on when one person feels sad, mistreated, and weak. The person feels used, abused, or betrayed in some way and they are seeking a rescuer. The victims subconsciously seek excuses to why someone needs to save them from the pain. The victim is consumed with the unfortunate pain of her past, and blames other people for her issues in life, never fully taking responsibility for her own healing. The victim feels entitled to be rescued. This mindset is what attracts a rescuer. The rescuer has their own issues due to their need to be needed and as long as the victim needs them, they feel secure.
They want to fix all the victim’s issues, so the rescuer obsesses over the victim’s problems and offers solutions and solve them. The rescuer works hard to gain the approval and validation from the victim. This effort causes the rescuer to become resentful when the victim is never satisfied and often complains about how unhappy they are. Now the victim begins to blame the rescuer for not doing enough and the rescuer may also blame the victim for never being satisfied. Everyone is distracted from their own unresolved emotional baggage and the drama triangle continues with each person rotating in the three roles (victim, rescuer, blamer/bully). No one ever wins in this cycle of drama because participants are seeking external solutions instead of healing internal pain.
#2 You’re not willing to be responsible for your healing
You’re not willing to be responsible for your healing of past trauma and emotional pain. As human-beings with feelings, emotions, and personalities, we carry the painful emotion of our past traumatic experiences with us and into other relationships. You may often assume that time heals all pain and believe you will naturally get over things if you stop thinking about it and ignore it. However, emotional pain doesn’t just go away, instead it’s stored and suppressed and often comes out after being triggered. When you express it, uncontrollably making an outburst, it’s easy to blame any current relationship issue as the reason for your meltdown. People who play the victim role often find themselves stuck in life. Often failing to progress or advance in life due to their belief that they are powerless. Victims also struggle with trusting themselves and others. This lack of responsibility in the healing process keeps the victim feeling hopeless. But what’s true is, you need to take responsibility for healing your suppressed pain by committing to a daily healing practice involving self-care.
#3 You are subconsciously addicted to drama
You are subconsciously addicted to drama. Drama can give the attention and affection you may crave from your partner. You can even get to the point of building up a tolerance for the drama like someone addicted to alcohol. Drama is addictive especially to the people who benefits the most. Drama has chemical benefits. When a drama toxic situation occurs it causes the stimulation production of dopamine and give you an adrenaline rush that is addictive. Drama is a distraction from reality. It distracts you from confronting more important issues and people love it. Drama is an ongoing addictive cycle, similar to the game of pin pong, someone has to hit the ball back in order to keep the game going. Therefore, you must be relentless about ending the game of drama by refusing to play. When you get used to a life of drama and suddenly things become peaceful and quiet, it can cause you to feel bored or even depressed. This is why it’s so important to commit to your healing process and recovery from the drama addiction.
Your healing and recovery from relationship drama starts with slowing down, becoming mindful and nurturing the relationship you have with yourself. This requires your full dedication. When it comes to relationships and healing, loving a person is simply not enough. Relationships should also display respect and setting healthy boundaries. It requires a daily self-care commitment to unlearning drama addiction patterns and developing new self-worth reinforcements that creates new neural pathways that rewire your brain and serves you better. To start your healing journey, join my free Toxic Love Detox Challenge at www.healtoxiclove.com
Rainie Howard is a relationship expert reaching millions online as an award-winning CEO and Podcast host of The Rainie Howard Show. For the past six years, Rainie has sold more than 120,000+ copies of eight books as a self-published author. Rainie also hold a master’s in business management and leadership.
Editor's Note: If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, call 911 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1(800) 799-SAFE (7233) or visit thehotline.org.
